New York, NY – A local resident, James Etword is no longer the proud owner of a 2020 Ducati Panigale V4 after trading the motorcycle with his neighbour for 8 rolls of toilet paper in preparation for coronavirus (COVID-19) outbreak.
Etword said he’s still suffering with PTSD from the last time he was without toilet paper during a serious emergency. But the coronavirus won’t catch him with his pants down.
“I got really sick, back in the summer of 2012,” he said, with tears in his eyes. “I got food poisoning from an all-you-can-eat buffet that was going out of business so they had cut their prices in half. As soon as I got home my a** named itself Mount Vesuvius.”
“It got to the point where I slept in the bathtub because my clenching game wasn’t strong enough to make the dash from my bedroom to the bathroom down the hall. After 2 days the toilet paper ran out, after 3 days all the napkins in house, by the time 8 days had past I had no more socks and was gathering tshirts.” he added, reluctantly.
When informed that explosive diarrhea is not a symptom of the coronavirus, Etword says he has no regrets for making the trade.
He did mention that he is disappointed the 8 rolls of toilet paper are only 1-ply.