Portland, USA – After over 17 years, Portland motorcycle cult, “All The Gear All The Time (i.e. ATGATT), have finally left their underground bunker.

What started off as a simple PSA to other riders, slowly turned into a serious transformative lifestyle. First the ATGATT motorcycle cult started wearing helmets over helmets and medieval armour to ride. When that didn’t feel safe enough, they stopped riding all together and wearing bubble wrap 24/7. Finally, going underground was the only option to avoid death.

Many normal motorcycle riders question why the ATGATT still call themselves motorcycle riders since most of their members admit to not actually having experienced riding a motorcycle before. ” We have no time for riding because we need to always be prepared for so many things”, says Wind Leaf, the ATGATT cult leader, “We have to always be on the look out for so many common dangers like drowning in the pool on a cruise ship, having information on Hillary Clinton, finding the edge of the earth etc… it puts riding a motorcycle out of the question.”

Wind Leaf says the cult plans to go back underground, “Sadly, we ran out of baby powder (talcum). Within days, severe chaffing set in. Many of the cult members needed medical treatment for 2nd degree friction burns from the multiple layers of leather and metal armour”.

When hearing the news, Johnson and Johnson spokesperson, Gene Simmons said, “Amateurs”.